I have gone on a new naming binge. I can't seem to help myself, every now and again i start giving everyone and often everything new names. its one of my more peculiar quirks. I saw a little man in the shoe store. he was the shoe fixer guy, which makes him an actual cobbler. I named him Jaime (said with a strong accent.) In college I named all sorts of people. There was crazy Chinese biker man, and flannel shirt girl; the whistler, and of course the Messiah. I looked some of these people up on facebook and oddly enough not a one came up, but I can assure you that a good number of the people who went to college with me know exactly who i am talking about.

My naming thing lead me to think about the names we choose for our kids and the names that were chosen for us. My daughter, who is adopted and looks very exotic was tricky to name. The names I had chosen for a girl when I was pregnant were very....white. I needed a spicy name for a little brown fireball. My mom always felt that names and words that started with K were too spiky. Assuming that each name has an emotion or a visual attached to it, why in the world do people name their kids things like Elmer (fat kinda dumb kid) or Maud (plain slightly deranged girl, definitely a brunette) or even Bambi, Bootsi, or KiKi (why not just name her booby and get it over with)

I have never felt comfortable in my own name. It kinda fits but its been shrunk in the dryer and rubs and pulls in all the wrong places, also the neckline is too tight. I think a better fit would be something like Kate, or Kami....but those would be too spiky for my mom. ooohh maybe Monica...that is not spiky, very roundish.

As a teacher some of the best names are gone. I can never name a kid Dalton for example...this is not the crisis you imagine, but the point stands, names have baggage. They come with history, visuals and emotions ...and apparently spikes.

I have been battling that familiar sense of panic that sprouts up this time each year. The anticipation of a new school year and all the possibilities is tangible, yet it mixes oddly with the misery of leaving my vacation behind. I am in the worst possible state of Limbo. Ready to get started already but not quite ready to leave summer behind.

Personally I like everything about fall. I like the change in the weather, the cooler evenings and crisp days. I like that my routine becomes more predictable and that the kids have schedules. I like that all the shows come out with new episodes and I like that everywhere you turn there are school supplies and shoes on sale. I have an unhealthy love of office supplies. Binder clips and paper clips give me chills, and a view binder can send me into a frenzy. Don't even get me started on the fabulous things they are doing with sharpies and expo markers! Second only to new office supplies is new shoes. What a pity that men feel compelled to have a basic black and a basic brown and call it good. This is nonsense. What about your basic patent leather, and your basic animal print. You need basic black in a flat, flip flop and heel at least. The fact that back to school makes two of my favorite things not only permissible but relatively expected and required makes fall my favorite time of year.

It won't be long before I fill this blog with everything that makes me crazy about the kids at school. Soon I will lament the loss of any free time i used to have and will long for the warmer days of summer. I am a fickle creature. There is no making me happy.

But then that's not true....Fall makes me happy. Christmas carols and twinkle lights make me happy. daddy's and little kids, Oreos, and Raisin Nut Bran makes me happy. My kids, my husband and my dog makes me happy and I really like 800 count sheets. As previously discussed I like Target and red cups from Starbucks. I like watching the same movie over and over again and laughing with my brothers. I guess I'm not really fickle at all. I'm predictable and routine, perhaps even boring. Afterall who finds such joy in push pins?

I took myself on an adventure today to the boyscout store. Ive never really thought of myself as the boyscout leader type, but i guess I am. I am not sure of the definition of this type but I assume that driving a minivan and running between soccer practice and dance class are prerequisites. Also who knew there was a whole store dedicated to the badges and buttons earned by little boys?

I am fairly excellent at organizing and multi tasking but I have to tell you the sheer number of pins, badges and patches that my mind began to swim! Yikes I gathered everything from hiking segments to geology pins; artists loops and astronomy patches. I was beginning to think i would soon be looking for an award to honor a properly executed toilet flush. But i was stopped in my snide cynical tracks when I realized all the stuff I was gathering honored a real achievement. Scholar pins and mathematics loops, sports of all kinds, as well as hobby pins, all of these things required effort and time.

I think everyone's life would be better if we got a little pin or badge for every achievement, Also I want a snappy little white shirt to display them on. Imagine the pretense you cut through when you just wear your achievements right there on your shirt. I want a pin for all my school achievements and I want a pin for giving birth. I want a pin for making it to the mini-van level of motherhood, and i want a pin for each time Brad had to be away on a business trip and i pulled single parent duty. I want a badge that recognizes my patience with the 75Th showing of High school musical, and a non-panic badge for the time Sophie had to be cut out of a recliner by the paramedics, and of course a special patch for successfully watching Jordan pull away on the camp bus. I want a patch noting my success in finding well fitting jeans and mastering the art of ordering coffee in the Northwest.

I have officially reminded myself of my mother and I have made hard choices because they were the right ones. Imagine the badge I will get when i wear my green shoes....Fabulous....

Oh my gosh this is totally a business opportunity. Women love charm bracelets and collecting things. I could make the badges and pins sparkly and full of bling. I'm totally getting my millionaire entrepreneur badge!

Day one down, and my cell battery is showing signs of fatigue. I spent the day checking to make sure I hadn't missed Jordan's call. I am going with the theory that he is having too much fun to call or worry about home, which is as it should be.

Trying to turn my mind to other things I made my birthday list today. Its in no way finished, isn't that what you call a living document? Still changing and growing. Those who know me may be taking a moment here to take a mental inventory of the time and will indeed be right when discovering that my birthday is a short 11 months away. why then work on the list?

The list I refer to is the list I make for each year of things I challenge myself to accomplish. Its hard to measure growth. At a certain point when you sift back through your memories they blur together. Does that mean that the days between were wasted? I think not, but you need a way to gauge growth and change throughout the years, so that one year is separate from the next. I do this by creating a list of challenges. Some are easier than others and some send me into a cold sweat, but they serve to clarify things and give my ambitions a more clear timeline. I can tell you for example that my 34Th year was the year I saw drag queens and my first strippers. In year 33 I bought and wore my first grown up leather jacket. So the question begs what will year 35 bring. What exciting and new developments will add to me as a person?
I have a few things on my list already.

• I must read a book from at least 5 genres 1 of which must be non-fiction. (any ideas?)
• I must wear my beautiful green shoes. They are high heel and backless. Very sexy and not vampish...in a nutshell they don't scream "teacher and mother of two!" (that would be a denim jumper and a pair of danskos.
• I must incorporate a dress into my working casual clothing choices (and actually wear it more than once)
• I must do something out of the box in the realm of my career. I have often said that I wasn't sure the classroom was where I would always be. If that's the case i need to see where else I might fit.
• I must make or break 2 habits that improve my health
• I must make a strong valid attempt to become published in some way. )look out readers digest...all in a days work!)

I have always hesitated to tell people about the list. It seems to me that making the statement that you are under construction, you are a work in progress, and are actively working to improve yourself, invites suggestions.

"you are working on being better...oh well its about time, don't forget to work on you ginormous ass while your at it"

Not being ready for that type of suggestion I have kept the list relatively quiet for years, but its time for the rest of you poor slobs to realize that I too am working on improvements. You are not alone in your quest for betterment and I shall lead the way! (very Joan of arc-ish....only not so many voices in my head or burning at the stake)

And so I invite you to join me on my quest to be a better person. I encourage you to keep your suggestions to a minimum, and I challenge you to challenge yourself.

having settled back into family life, I spent the afternoon escorting my son to sleep away camp. It is an odd thing to drop off your kid for a week away. I remember going to camp and loving it. It does not fit within any of my memories that my mom felt a sad longing and pull when she saw me off for a week, although I imagine she must have. I am anxious for Jordan. What if he doesn't find a friend, what if he gets hurt....worse what if he wets his pants.

I will come clean and finally tell the world the story that has haunted me for the past 20 years. I wet my pants at camp. That's right kids, afraid to wake my counselor and even more afraid of the dark woods outside my cabin I attempted to "hold it" This seemed the best answer to my predicament, until it became clear that I would not be waiting until first light. Gathering all my courage I unzipped my sleeping bag and steeled myself to wake up my counselor. In hindsight I think it was the bunk ladder that was my downfall. It is virtually impossible to clench the Keagal's while performing the one woman show required to gracefully lower ones self from the top bunk to the floor. I did manage to make it to the floor and continued the one woman show by dancing a fun pee pee dance while scooting across the cabin floor. I got all the way to my counselors bedside and shook her awake. She opened her eyes just in time to watch me lose the battle of the bladder all over the floor.

This admission now public, I have to go on to admit that things haven't really improved in that department. A cough, sneeze vomit or strong breeze puts me right back in that cabin. For years I have played the part of a grownup woman when all the while I am a pee pee pants. I gave up pretending about 2 years ago and "came out" to several of my friends. Karma being what it is my friends laughed and delight in pushing the limits of poise absorbency.

All of this makes me wonder about the real difference between the me right now and the me 20 years ago peeing on the floor. Clearly it is not bladder control. maybe its nothing more that being the one that will ease the homesickness rather than the one who will have it. The last time I came home from camp I was taken to the hospital to see my dad in the ICU after a heart attack. I am hoping Jordan has a less eventful return, but I will say this, for all the worries and stresses that I work through each day (and I do seem to have a gift for worry) I imagine that the courage it takes to load up onto a bus of strangers and go away for a week to the middle of nowhere is a lot...and the courage it takes to walk away from said bus with a cheery smile, while your kid continues to wave is no small thing.

Brad noted today that i seem to be very cynical. Cynical you say? No that can;t be i am happy and joyful, and I laugh with gusto. I cannot strike one as cynical. Looking back though I cannot deny that there is the slightest edge to my past posts.

I am certain that the problem is that I find the most humor in the cynical things. it is true that I have a gift for finding the funny in the darkest cloud. What I call gift others call morbid but i never cease to be amused so i will stick with gift. That being said It is also true that I see the beauty around me each today. In fact just today i went to Target. Whats more beautiful than a large red Target sign beckoning you home?

Now who's the cynic? I hear some of you suggesting that Target is not representative of the beauty around me. To this I say "Pish!" that's right "Pish" the international sound of disgust. Oh yes sunsets and mountain ranges hold appeal to those who do not seek a higher challenge but to those of us truly gifted in seeing the best in things, the cold red balls outside the Target store are transformed into crimson orbs of delight. Each aisle holding a new and exciting surprise. Nothing can cheer you faster than a Target store with a Starbucks inside. Truly its like a strong sedative.

I imagine that many of ye naysayers would prefer a swift kick in the groin over an hour or two browsing the offerings at target, or even a morning doing something like....I don't know .... a math gallery walk. But for my money, (and brad will attest to the sheer amount of money) Target is the unsung beauty in the world, and for us cynical enough to see it, the world holds a blessing at every corner....and just off freeway exit 9 in Ashland.

Thursday morning

I decided not to bring my laptop today...bad idea. What was I thinking? Here I sit in the morning session with no real reason not to solve the problem of the week. This situation has actually hit crisis point as it was just announced that there was another gallery wak scheduled but that today we would see a new exciting twist! Ohh the antisipation...it's difficult to image a veiwing of the same math problem by 50 or so groups that is somehow more stimulating than yesterdays. I have goosebumps...to bad I don't have a gun.

The presenters here are very big on catch phrases. I have found that catch phrases can go either way. Some are so powerful and stick with you…like ‘got milk” that’s just brilliance. Its catchy and direct. Also it cam be manipulated to fit any situation. For example in awkward situations such as one night stands you can be clever and hip by re-stating this particular catch phrase, turning it into “got herpes?” Many catch phrases are just fun to play with, like Nancy’s favorite “just say no.” When asked to decipher the value of “a” in the equation 10xa+b today during math games, I just said no. This was my clever yet clear way of saying back off Mathy…
The catch phrases here are not quite so catchy. A favorite here is Private think time. About once an hour we are presented with a mathematical gem and then given “private think time” to mull over these ideas…perpetually followed by a quick write. Really? Private think time for me is like an invitation to go off task. Perhaps they are not familiar with ADD or kids in general. Do you know how fast a bottle of glue can be turned into desk boogers, fake nails or a rainbow crayon? Private think time in my room would result in once pristine erasers chopped into small throwable chunks, to be launched at intermittent intervals during the day. As for the quick write…you’re reading it.
Another favorite this week is “we are all safe” this is designed to minimize the innate fear some have of math. I do not think that the 11/2 hours of problem solving that we use to start the day is actively calming my nerves about my math phobias. In fact I can assure you that not only am I not enthused by the prospect of solving a “rich” math problem (“rich” is another word they really like here) I am fairly intimidated, and so perhaps “being Safe” is more of a do what I say not what I do thing. I see the benefit of a safe environment for math…setting the culture that those of us who really suck at math are not going to be ridiculed for our stupidity. It is not lost on me that I am discussing a culture of safety only sentences below my statements of ridicule. I see the irony here….and I choose to ignore it.
Today’s safety exercise was a “gallery walk” Unbelievably we spent even more time today completing the math problem from yesterday and writing our investigative discoveries on posters (which were actually the post it notes of the Gods!) After posting each groups findings we were to walk the halls and look at the different ways each of us solved the problem and the different observations that the group came too. There was even a member from each group designated to be the docent. This (as it was explained to us) was the person in the group who would answer questions and comment on the inspiring math that had happened at our little table. This was very well received by many ….I was not one of the many. I have to hand it to my husband who attempted to help me be more of a team player by offering up handy comments I could use during the walk. He suggested “wow I like the way you carried the one there” and “ooh neat use of a 4” I briefly thought about using these and mingling among my peers but I quickly realized that there was no time in my life past present or future that these comments would come out of my mouth without sarcasm dripping off every syllable. So I did the only thing a sane person would do. I went for coffee.
I have to laugh as today’s agenda at the conference seems to be “how to be assertive” I gotta tell you I seem to have this one down. I am practicing with the others though. I smile ruefully at the rules they post to make us all feel safe. It would seem others have joined the bandwagon to make me a better person (or at least a more filtered person) Sometimes the safest thing you can do is just shut-up…and blog about it later.
And so I plodded through my day using “I” statements and asserting my own needs without aggression or intimidation. I listened actively and gave authentic praise… in short I learned to say exactly what I mean in a spirited yet “safe” way. Yippee! I’m a safety girl (this too is a great catch phrase for many situations!)
I was disappointed this morning that my experience with naked people seemed to be confined to my initial contact yesterday. Having made it to mid week at the conference I was hoping for some exciting event to see me the rest of the way. I simply had to be patient though, for a naked encounter was just around the corner! As I began to back out of the lot at the conference, looking forward to an evening in the downtown area of Ashland, I smiled at the mother and son riding bikes down the sidewalk. The bike they rode was tandem and there was a small baby trailer hooked to the back. The only piece interrupting this idyllic scene was that the young boy was bare ass naked. What is the deal here? Really, clothing is a lifestyle choice I’ll grant you, one that most of America adheres too, but should you choose to spend time in your all togetherness, why do so many people choose to do it exercising? The chafing alone would stop me from power walking and I don’t want to begin to guess where that bike seat has been. And so I end my day with the happy thought that while I mock the week I spend here I am actually learning quite a bit, and really any week in which you can relay the sightings of two naked health enthusiast is a good week, and finally the young man naked on the bike will be safe in case of a crash, because as all good cyclists do he wore a helmet….but that’s going to be a bitch of a road rash.

Clearly my quest to be a nicer person is being put to the test. I don’t feel that I am ready for a test really. I need time to practice. Alas I was met this morning with a series of events that stretch the boundaries of my kindness and charitable thought.
I was able to score my favorite shower this morning and I must say that I have mastered the art of the “handicap peeper” shower. I cleverly balanced the shower and dress situation while keeping the variety show to a minimum. This started my day happily and I was ready to address my world more objectively.
My first obstacle comes only minutes into my day as I await my turn at the stop sign. Crossing in front of me is an obviously avid speed walker. Tall and lanky he crosses my path, arms pumping fanny pack flopping, completely void of any clothing except shoes! Mouth agape I say to my friend look at that! She looks around taking in the signs and the traffic, completely disregarding the NAKED MAN directly in front of her. Again I whack her and say Look at that! Finally in desperation she looks at the man in the street. “oh my goodness!” That’s right, now she see’s him in all his glory. Cheeks clenched, moving and grooving to the iPod connected to his fanny pack and no doubt the voices in his head.
I ask you this. With this image permanently burned into my head, do I have a good chance of finding the blessing in each person I meet today? Well, I can tell you how this gentleman is blessed…
Determined to follow through with my charge I seated myself and prepared for my day. Another table having been thwarted in their attempt to occupy their own table descended upon us and joined our group. I was slightly disgruntled having to squish together but this only gave me a moments pause…The joining group began to discuss how well they had slept, the movies they had watched and the yummy waffles they enjoyed for breakfast. This alerted me. What? Slept well, watched TV? This was not a part of my evening. It turns out that this group was so mortified by the accommodations at the dorms, they moved the entire district to the La Quinta. Here they enjoyed king beds, TV and private bathrooms. What pansy’s (oh the jealousy!) Seeing the challenge before me I categorized these people as the pampered…Noting that this was not perhaps the positive spin I was going for I have changed their classification to Lucky Bastards. I think that is way less judgemental.
I continued threw my day attempting to be slightly less harsh to those around me, I was doing well, despite the fact that my coffee was not to my satisfaction. This fact alone I think grants me at least two snarky comments free from any guilt, but I choose to rise above and be snark free for the whole day!
That lasted about ten minutes. In my defence this drastic of a challenge should not be attempted while at a math conference! Sitting just one table away from me today is a man who yesterday was classified as hideous tupe man. I dislike his tupe and further I am irritable that he forces me to use the word tupe when in fact I cannot spell it. (I digress) Trying to see him in a new light I try out several names for him...none seem to fit. Pirate boots man, Single but looking man, ....I went with Tom. It was the only choice really, and besides that what his name tag said.

Perhaps what I need is a conference at a modeling agency to get a dose of my own medicine. What would I attack then? You have to figure that the gender ambiguous people at that conference would not wear "I heart Pi" shirts or tote their laptops in canvas bags displaying the hilarious musing..."there are ten types of people in this world, people who get binary numbers and those who don't"
In the interest of true disclosure i have to wrap my day with this....I am not a better person today than I was yesterday....but I am trying.

You may wonder what one does for a week at a math conference. i too wonder and I am actually here. I personally spent my day sorting the other participants into groups. There was the obvious groups...Gender Neutral, Hairy Armpits, overly enthusiastic....and then there were those that were harder to classify. Quite frankly I think that I was being very mathy by sorting and classifying things. isn't that what the very principals of math are built on? Seeing the patterns and differences in things? I was stumped by a large group of teachers at one point and was forced to come up with pseudo categories including, most likely to have and wear a math shirt, doesn't have a full length mirror. And then it hit me out of the blue...I am a mean spirited person. i am sure this isn't news to many of my friends and neighbors, but I had a moment of clarity this afternoon and it was truly upsetting. Not once did I consider the category, most likely to be a great knitter, or probably rescues cats from the humane society (although I think that one could go both ways) clearly my mind works on the simplest level, that of spite and pettiness. Here I am at the same conference but feeling somehow superior.

In an effort to redeem myself I focused my entire afternoon on being a better person. Honestly I think I did a good job. I bought Super Big Gulps for my friends (even though they only asked for Big Gulps) I encouraged a woman at Target to buy the item she was looking at as it would enhance her bustline. I even spent a good amount of time helping my co-worker with her technological growth. I think I may have redeemed myself but I have posed this challenge to myself...Tomorrow I must re-categorize everyone into groupings with slightly less snarky titles. I shall go to bed tonight thinking of the possibilities and where I can effectively stick the gender neutral grouping...

I was so excited for my first real business trip away. I have always been jealous of those corporate types who get sent to exotic destinations and put up in fancy hotels. They go to a few meetings have a few drinks and come home loaded with free pens and bags and mugs. i want my chance at this lifestyle, I too want to collect the garbage thrown at you by the commercial world, I want to schmooze with people and stay in a hotel where someone else picks up my stuff for a change. I guess my karma just does not support this type of an adventure. I am staying in the very exotic Ashland Oregon a metropolis a mere 15 miles from the California border (read, I didn't even make it out of state) I am in the posh residence halls of Southern Oregon university where I share a restroom with all the other women on this floor. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth I set about setting up camp and making the best with a week away from the kids and household drudgery. Into the showers I skip to take a long hot shower.... not so much
The shower room consists of 4 stalls each with a precariously draped curtain. The first two don't seem to have hot water on demand, its more of a guessing game there. The second two are definitely the showers of choice. The last of which is the best of all as it is the handicap stall. I say handicap stall laughingly, because there is no elevator and after hefting my suitcase and other crap up three flights of stairs I can tell you that anyone in need of a handicap stall in the shower room is still down on the first floor waiting for a lift up. That being said, there is significantly more room in this stall and you are allowed a foot or two of room to move about and perform your duties. The one downside I see here is the window. Now I am a teacher not an architect and thus I cannot claim to be privy to the codes and regulations one must accommodate when building a structure such as a dormitory, but I am guessing the placement of a window directly below my "girls" is not required. I enjoyed my warm roomy shower immensely unit I noticed that I was offering up a fantastic view of Northern Oregon Ta Ta's to any lucky passerby. Quite frankly I doubt this view was greeted with any enthusiasm below either as I compare more accurately to the women of National Geographic than those of Playboy, however...no need to spoil the mystery.

And so I go to bed tonight in a quandary. What does tomorrow hold in store for me...More gratuitous boob shots from the 3rd floor or perhaps I will finally land that perfect moment of schmooze and pamper that I dream every business trip is made of....

Why is it that I always get sick before a trip. My travel Karma is paying me back for something!

A blog?...In general I don't get it. Get a diary, why put thoughts out there for everyone to see and read? Well maybe I am feeling gutsy or maybe the urge to share my thoughts has overtaken me, but I have decided to go with the tried and true....who cares. If I wanna right stuff down to clear a little space in my head so be it. Maybe it will give my counselor a little insight.
So here is the deal. I teach. I teach third grade in a very small town that is poverty stricken. I have two kids that I would lie in traffic for. I am married to a great guy. I imagine my life is a but idyllic. So whats to say really? At midnight on a Thursday night? Not much.

My son Jordan will be in fourth grade this year. this is the first time that my kid will be in a higher grade that I teach. that should be fine, but I worry about it. i wonder now how long it will be before I become passe. I have always been able to reconcile behavior and academic abilities with the kids that I teach and now the kids that I teach won;t give me as much insight into my own child. I'm flying blind! Akk.

Jordan is one of those kids who is academically a super star but socially he struggles. i think its interesting to think about what you would choose for your child if you had to pick just one. Academic intelligence or social intelligence. I used to think it was such an obvious choice of academic smarts but i struggle each day watching Jordan wade through the minefields that unknowingly left by the other kids and he just plows through them. I guess i should take comfort in knowing that he will kick all the other kids butts in Dungeons and Dragons!

As if to answer the question of academic verses social I have been blessed with my daughter Sophie. She plays the social environment like Yo Yo Ma. (isn't that just fun to say?) She manipulates and moves and nudges until she has the stars perfectly aligned to shine directly on her. I have never been witness to such finesse. I stand in awe of my 5 year old.