having settled back into family life, I spent the afternoon escorting my son to sleep away camp. It is an odd thing to drop off your kid for a week away. I remember going to camp and loving it. It does not fit within any of my memories that my mom felt a sad longing and pull when she saw me off for a week, although I imagine she must have. I am anxious for Jordan. What if he doesn't find a friend, what if he gets hurt....worse what if he wets his pants.

I will come clean and finally tell the world the story that has haunted me for the past 20 years. I wet my pants at camp. That's right kids, afraid to wake my counselor and even more afraid of the dark woods outside my cabin I attempted to "hold it" This seemed the best answer to my predicament, until it became clear that I would not be waiting until first light. Gathering all my courage I unzipped my sleeping bag and steeled myself to wake up my counselor. In hindsight I think it was the bunk ladder that was my downfall. It is virtually impossible to clench the Keagal's while performing the one woman show required to gracefully lower ones self from the top bunk to the floor. I did manage to make it to the floor and continued the one woman show by dancing a fun pee pee dance while scooting across the cabin floor. I got all the way to my counselors bedside and shook her awake. She opened her eyes just in time to watch me lose the battle of the bladder all over the floor.

This admission now public, I have to go on to admit that things haven't really improved in that department. A cough, sneeze vomit or strong breeze puts me right back in that cabin. For years I have played the part of a grownup woman when all the while I am a pee pee pants. I gave up pretending about 2 years ago and "came out" to several of my friends. Karma being what it is my friends laughed and delight in pushing the limits of poise absorbency.

All of this makes me wonder about the real difference between the me right now and the me 20 years ago peeing on the floor. Clearly it is not bladder control. maybe its nothing more that being the one that will ease the homesickness rather than the one who will have it. The last time I came home from camp I was taken to the hospital to see my dad in the ICU after a heart attack. I am hoping Jordan has a less eventful return, but I will say this, for all the worries and stresses that I work through each day (and I do seem to have a gift for worry) I imagine that the courage it takes to load up onto a bus of strangers and go away for a week to the middle of nowhere is a lot...and the courage it takes to walk away from said bus with a cheery smile, while your kid continues to wave is no small thing.